Yes, I Get Angry

The name of the Lord is a strong tower;

the righteous run to it and are safe.

Proverbs 18:10

    So, last week I read a blog post where someone wrote on the topic of "what your friends with cancer are afraid to say." (I will post the link at the bottom of the page.) While everything she said was good, several of the points the author made really hit home with me. I got to thinking-- what is the one thing I probably don't share with my family and friends that they might need to know?

    And I guess it would be that yes, I do get tired and angry- very angry at times.

    I try to stay positive. I try to put on a brave face when people ask me how I am doing. To smile and be full of good news. I tell them that I am fine. No one wants to hear all the time you don't feel well. People just ask out of courtesy right? Just because that's what is expected, right? They don't really want to hear about the fears and worries and wide range of other emotions I go through, do they?

    But after reading that blog, maybe they do need to know it. To know that sometimes when I seem short or harsh that it's not really meant towards them or the situation. That when I vent or snap about something that seems insignificant, it might just be a bad moment for me. It's not fair I know. I don't mean to take out my frustrations on others but as I had pointed out to me recently, it's not always ME acting, reacting, or talking. There are times that it truly is "the devil made me do it." The devil in this case is cancer, chemotherapy, fear, or anger.

    I do get mad. I get down right angry. I don't like being sick. I don't like not being able to take are of my family. It truly pisses me off (please excuse the language but mad, angry, frustrated, just don't seem strong enough to describe what I feel) that I worked so hard through school. My children sacrificed so much while I was in school. I put us in financial debt with student loans to go to school. All to have a better life for my family! And now, I can't even work.

    I hate feeling like a burden to my family: financially, physically, and mentally. My income was cut in over half. I am so thankful that the Lord nudged me to take the long term insurance. I thank Him for that because I know that what I get is better than nothing. Yet it is a strain on my family. The added expenses of my health care: co-pays, deductibles, prescriptions, ostomy supplies, and countless trips to the doctors.

    I don't like not feeling well enough to take care of myself and family. Having to ask them to do things for me because I am tired, because I am sick, or because sometimes I just don't feel up to it mentally. I don't like that I have to depend on my mom so much. I don't like that my girls, especially my oldest, has had to help out so much with my youngest child. I don't like it that my husband has to come home from working all day and help cook dinner and clean up because my energy is spent for the day or I am too sick to get out of bed.

    The worry they experience when I don't feel well or have to go to the emergency room or while waiting on test results, I hate it. The fear they go through when I get a not so good report, I hate it. My family gets to see my bad days, and I hate it. The days I'm mad at everything and everyone. They days I just don't want to do anything. The days that all I do is cry... They see it all and I know it takes a toll on them. 

    And I just get tired. I get tired of feeling fatigued. I get tired of taking treatments. I get tired of being sick. I get tired of going to the doctor. I get tired of being tired.

    It is in those moments that I struggle to hold on tom my hope, my faith, and my joy. It's then that it is all I can do to just hold on to my Savior, to my Lord. To cry out to Him. In those low places is where I feel far from Him. But I know, I KNOW, those are the times when He is closet to me. When He is cradling me, whispering to me to trust Him, to give all my cares to Him.

    He reminds me that He is my refuge (Psalm 91:2-4). That His name is a strong tower (Proverbs 18:10). All I have to do is run to Him and He will give me shelter. He restores my hope, my spirit, and my joy. 

    I have to tell myself that it's okay to feel anger. It's all right for me to be tired. But that it's not okay for me to let it consume me, to take over, to rule my life. I do have to allow myself to feel what I feel. To get those emotions out so that I can move beyond them. And I have to forgive myself when I fail. When I snap at one of my loved ones. When I don't feel well enough to attend an event. When I have to rely on my husband's help more than I want. And so many other situations that come to mind. I need to remember to thank God that I have such caring family and friends. How blessed I am!

    And I am! I have so many good things going on in my life, many blessings. I thank God for those blessings: my husband, my children, my parents, my family and my friends. Most importantly, for my faith in Him and His faithfulness to me. God is good, so good!

~Delta

http://roadkillgoldfish.com/friends-cancer-want-know/

It's Just Hair

    I haven't written a post in a while. Not because I haven't had anything to say, just a lot going on. I have had one topic in particular on my heart and mind for some time now. It's not a "difficult" subject per se  but a bit of an emotional one for me. My hair.

    Some chemo drugs make your hair fall out in clumps, by the handful. Within in a matter of days it is completely gone. Other chemo drugs thin your hair little by little, treatment by treatment. They stunt growth so your hair doesn't grow very fast, if at all. They are harsh on your hair making it appear that your hair has been damaged by too much processing. My chemo is the kind that thins and thins and thins.

    After months and months of treatments my hair had become thin, showing my scalp. Particularly on the top around the crown of my head. My hair looked like it had been bleached ten times too many. It was dry, brittle, and fuzzy looking. After much inner debate I decided it was time to cut it and set the date for June 1st. To make it a "fun" experience for myself, I created a Facebook even and invited friends and family to send me hats and scarves from all over. I promised to post pics of the head shaving and pics modeling the hats and scarves I received.

    The day came. My friend Amanda came over to the house. My husband used the clippers and cut my hair off as Amanda held my hand and my daughter videoed it for my Mom. I cried for the first few minutes then with their help started to joke and laugh about it. After my husband was finished with the clippers, Amanda went over my head a razor. I wanted a close shave.

    Amanda had told me almost from day one that if I ever had to shave my hair she would shave hers with me. I just laughed. Deep down I knew she would though. So, on Sunday, June 1st, when she said she was shaving her head too, I told her no, she didn't have to do that. I wouldn't hold her to that promise. I knew what a big step that was. She told me yes, I was shaving her head that day. I told her no I was not.

    Yea well, guess what? I ended up shaving her head that day! Towards the end of my head shaving she picked up the clippers and took a big chunk out of the front of her hair. After that I had to finish the job.

    Through out that week several others shaved their heads in my honor. Beginning with my husband and youngest son. Monday evening I left to run an errand. When I returned, they were sitting there with burred heads grinning at me. Next came my father-in-law. Shortly after him, my brother-in-law. That weekend was my husband's family reunion. There were quite a few bald heads wandering around.

    It started with my husband's cousin auctioning off to the highest bidder his head to be shaved. Then another cousin stepped up and auctioned his hair to the top bidder. My nephew decided he would be a little different and he started two bid sheets, to shave or not to shave. Which ever one had the highest bid at the end of the day would be the winner. (Every year there is a silent auction to help pay for the cost of the reunion.) He was lucky enough to have an aunt who didn't want to see him with his head shaved and he left with a head full of hair.

    My oldest step-son, on the other hand, was not so fortunate. He has been growing his hair out for several years and it was down between his shoulders. He said he would shave his if some one bid a minimal of $50. The bid came in. The same aunt bid $60 to try to save his hair but another aunt bid $61 and his hair went bye bye. I told him I was sorry and he said to me, "It's just hair. It'll grow back. No biggie." I replied to him, "No, it's not JUST hair." 

    If I had a dollar for every time I have heard those three simple words this past year, well, I'd have some money in my pocket. It's not just hair. I don't know if I can put this into words and truly convey the way I feel. I imagine that many women, and men for that matter, feel pretty much the same way I do. LoL. I have been accused in my youth of my hair being my pride and joy. I guess in many ways he was correct. My hair was a part of me. It was part of what defined me.  It wasn't just hair.

   If it is just hair, why are billions of dollars spent on it year? It it is just hair, why are their professions devoted just to hair? If it is just hair, why do men and women alike  spend hours and hours styling it?

    If it is just hair, why did God use Samson's hair as the apparent source of his power (Judges 16)? If it is just hair, why did Mary use her hair to dry Jesus' feet when she washed them (John 11:2)? If it's just hair, why has God numbered the hairs on our head (Matthew 10:30)?

    Because it is more than just hair. I know that I have not articulated very well my feelings on this subject. I think that some it is understood on a very basic universal level that doesn't necessarily need to be verbalized. Most people will understand. No matter how many times we flippantly tell ourselves and others, "It's just hair," deep down we know it's not just hair.

~Delta

I am ready!

    As this week approached I found myself thinking more and more about how time flies by too fast. My babies are growing up and I don't like it. Oh, how I wish I could just make time stop. Or at the very least slow down.  I am not ready.

    This is a week of HUGE milestones in my children's lives, leading into more milestones for the summer and fall. High school graduation, turning 5, and turning 16. Preparing to go off to college in the fall. Drivers licenses. Kindergarten. And it is all coming at me so fast. I am not ready.

    Tonight my oldest daughter is graduating from high school. It wasn't that long ago I was putting her in her infant carrier to take her home from the hospital. Walking her in to her first day of school. Going to her first band concert. Watching her drive off for the first time by herself.  Going off on her first date. Starting her first job. Her first campus visit. I am not ready.

    Tomorrow my baby turns 5. It really feels just like yesterday that we brought him home. The first time he sat up on his own. Crawled.  Walked. Talked. First day of preschool. Riding his bike. This weekend, learning to ride a skateboard. I am not ready.

    Wednesday my twins will be 16. They were so tiny and small when we brought them home. Their little heads shaved in different places for IVs. Not even 3 weeks old and had already been through so much. Watching them grow stronger. Get into trouble together. Breaking a dozen eggs on the kitchen floor. Running away from me in the Walmart parking lot. First football game. First cheerleading practice. Fighting. Finding their own identities, more than "the twins." Starting high school. First prom. I am not ready.

   I catch myself wondering what other milestones I will live to see. What milestones will I not be here for. College graduations? High school graduations? Starting middle school? High school? First dates/girlfriends/boyfriends? Drivers license? Marriages? Grandchildren? Salvation? Baptisms? I am not ready.

    I have to remind myself that God has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and that I have to trust Him (Proverbs 3:5). I can't worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34). I need to enjoy today, to make the most of todays memories with my children and my family. Make memories not only for me, but for them to hold on to, as well. I have to live in the now. I am ready!

    Lord, I pray that You would help me to stay focused on Your promises. Help me to live each day. To enjoy each day. Help me to put my trust in You and to know that You alone know the future. To know that I can rest easy in the knowledge that tomorrow is in Your hands and that You have a plan for me. All I need to do is delight in You and You will grant the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). In Your name, Amen.

    And special thanks to a friend for the little nudge to get me going again! :)

~Delta

 



"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

 

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,

for tomorrow will worry about itself.

Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34

 

Take delight in the Lord,

and He will give you the desires

of your heart.

Psalm 37:4



Chemo Day

    Today is chemo day. It is my least favorite day. I go to bed the night before dreading it. I wake up dreading it. I sit here waiting for lab results, dreading it. Half praying my labs will come back too low to get treatment. The other half praying my labs are fine...I know I need to be able to get treatment. But I don't want to.

   It's not so much that it makes me feel bad, although I don't enjoy that. It's the reality of it. On chemo day there is no pretending that every thing is okay. There's no forgetting, from the moment they access my port until Thursday afternoon when I take off the pump, for even a few minutes that I have been diagnosed with cancer. Even with the ostomy, I can forget for hours at a time, but not while I am wearing that pump. It's a constant reminder for these next 3 days that I am in a battle for my life.

   It also reminds other people. It lets others know that I am sick. It opens the door for other people to ask questions. Two questions that I get asked most often are "how many more treatments do you" and "what is your prognosis?" The answers to these questions are as complicated as they are simple.

    I was diagnosed with stage IV colorectal cancer. This means that the cancer has spread beyond the original site into the lymph system and to other organs. By the time the tumor was found it had penetrated the rectum and was attached to the pelvic wall. They removed and biopsied 17 lymph nodes from the surrounding area and all 17 were positive for cancer. The CT scan showed metastasis to the liver and lungs. Meaning there are lesions on those organs that they highly suspect are cancer. They have not been biopsied because they are too small and it would be more dangerous than beneficial to do so. They say that even if it were to go into remission I would have to continue taking a maintenance dose of chemo for the rest of my life. They say if I did not, the cancer would just come back due to how far it has spread. By the medical world's view, I am not curable. I am only manageable.

    So, how many more treatments do I have? Until God heals me.

    The second question is probably a little harder for people to ask. They want to ask but are afraid to or don't know how to. They worry about offending me. Eventually they get it out -- sometimes directly, sometimes around the bush. What's your prognosis? How long do you have? There's no definitive answer. Only averages and in the matter of mere minutes, my life expectancy went from 35-40 years to 2-5 years. Or maybe 10 years. The average patient with stage IV colorectal cancer lives 2-5 years but they are quick to tell your they have some patients that are 10 years out. Every cancer patient is different. Every outcome is different. What works for some nay not for others and vice versa. And just as with any other illness or trial that you face, attitude makes a difference! By the medical world's standards, I have 1-4 years left.

    How long do I have? Until God decides to take me home.

   How fortunate, how blessed am I that the world's views and standards are not God's views and standards?! Praise the Lord that I have the Great Physician as my healer. And only He knows how much time I do or do not have left. I do not accept this diagnosis or prognosis. I know I am healed. I know that when God is finished with me here on earth He will call me home -- just like He will all of you. But it will be in His timing. Both the manifestation of my healing and my death.

    Thank You, Father, for the hope I have in You. Thank You for healing me. Your word says that by the stripes Jesus bore and the blood He shed, that we are forgiven and healed. I praise You for my healing and for my life. Help me to be what You want me to be. Let my life be a testimony for You. In Jesus' name, Amen.

~Delta

Granny's Arms

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?

Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care.

And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

So don't be afraid;

you are worth more than many sparrows.  

Matthew 10:29-31

    This morning my mind is going in so many different directions. I had a planned post, already written out, but then I had another avenue of thought, then another, then another and then I got some disappointing news this morning. My mind went off in a complete different direction. So even as I type this I am trying to rein in my thoughts and focus on what I want to say this morning. I think for now I am going to skip the pre-written topic and go with my second one.

    I was talking on the phone last night to a lady that wants me to make a memory quilt for her out of her grandpa's old overalls. As she was telling me about her grandparents it reminded me about mine. I could relate to her and her story, her memories. She talked about how much she missed him, how she still cried, and as she talked she got choked up.

    In return, I shared about my grandparents and how much they meant to me. How they were more like second parents than grandparents. About Granny passing away on my birthday. That I still cry at the most random moments. How as I go through this battle, I find myself missing her more and more.

    No matter what was going on, what I was going through, Granny could always make me feel better. She would wrap her arms around me and squeeze me and instantly it would all be better. If I were thousands of miles away I could call her and she knew what to say to make it better. Didn't always like what she had to say but she was usually right. 

    I just know, I know, that if I could only get to her, all this would be better. It would be all right. Granny would wrap her arms around me, squeeze me tight, and make it all right. Her love and care would overwhelm me. And for a few moments, just like when I was a child, I would be okay, I would be whole. 

    But that's not how it works. I can't get to her. And while she would make me feel better, she wouldn't be able to make me whole, make this all go away. Only God can do that. God can wrap His arms around me, squeeze me tight, and make it all okay. He can heal my hurts, heal my body. He can make it all better. He's wants to. 

    He's waiting for me to run to Him like I would my Granny. He desires to wrap His arms around me spiritually and take my heartache, my pain. Wipe my tears and soothe me. Tell me He will take care of me. That He loves me and it will all be okay.

    Thank You, Father, that like a loving parent or grandparent, I can run to You, and You will comfort me, hold me. You will let me cry in Your arms and wipe my tears. Thank You, that I can cast all my cares on You because You care me. Your word says how much more You care for me. That not even a sparrow falls from the sky without You knowing, You caring. How much more must I, Your child mean to You. Even the hairs of my head are numbered. Thank You, Lord, for loving me. In Jesus' name, Amen.

~Delta

Just Stay Calm

    This morning as I was reading about the Israelites' exit from Egypt, I came across this scripture. It grabbed my attention. I re-read it several times. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm. The Lord himself will fight for me. Just stay calm. The LORD himself will FIGHT for ME! JUST STAY CALM! Wow! How huge is that? I just have to not panic, not get upset, not try to figure it on my own (Hmmm, where have I heard that before?), and not get in God's way. I just need to stay calm, pray about it, and trust God to fight for me, to work it out for me.

    Just as the enemy was coming after the Israelites, the enemy is coming after me. No, my enemy may not be Pharaoh at the head of all the forces of Egypt and his weapons may not be swords and spears. All the same, he is attacking me. He is trying to destroy me just as the Egyptians were trying to destroy the Israelites. His weapons? Worry, fear, discontent, uproar, and turmoil.

    See, satan thinks that if he can get me looking at the circumstances of my life that I'll stumble and fall. By getting me to worry about how I am going to pay the bills or how we are going to afford a new engine in the trailblazer that possibly threw a rod yesterday or... or... or any of the many other things that come up, he thinks he can get me to take my eyes off of Jesus. And that leaves me vulnerable. Makes me an even easier target. So what does the enemy do next? He goes to work on a different area. He starts trying to pick apart my relationships or my children's relationships or any other area of my life that he can, just to keep me distracted and unfocused. This is the way he works. Not just on me, but on all of us. He tries to keep us concentrating on our problems instead of on the One who an fix them.

    Just stay clam. The Lord is fighting for me. The Lord is fighting for you. We just have to keep looking up. Keep our eyes on the Lord. He will fight for us. And just as He made a path for the Israelites, He will make a way for us. We just have to stay calm and be ready to move, to act, to obey when He says, "Go." We have to stay quiet and listen for His voice, His direction, His command. We have to be ready to step out between those towering walls of sea water and cross that dry sea bed. We have to trust Him even when it seems impossible; when all our problems seem too big for even God. Trust Him. Nothing is too big for God. Not cancer. Not a car engine. Not anything of this world. God can take care of it. He is fighting for us.

    And just as He washed away the Egyptians as they tried to cross behind the Israelites, He will stop the enemy dead in his tracks. He will put the enemy on the run. He will provide for the bills. He can repair an engine. He can restore relationships. He will open doors and hearts. He will heal cancer. He can make the impossible possible. Just stay calm.

    Thank You, Lord, for fighting for me. Thank You for the encouragement this verse, Your word, Your promise, gives to me. Help me to just stay calm and quiet and at rest as You fight this battle for me. Guide me, direct my path, and help me to recognize when it is time for me to move, to take action, to follow Your commands. And to always give You the honor and glory. In Your Son's name, Amen.

~Delta

Power of the Tongue

    Last week was a rough one. I woke up early Friday after not sleeping well with a headache. I got up and did a few household chores intending to just push through it. I'd feel better in a little while. After a couple of hours I gave up and laid back down. An hour later I was still miserable so I tried a hot bath. Nothing seemed to help, not the bath, ibuprofen or laying back down, again. I tried eating something...mistake. After getting sick I went back to bed and slept for a few hours. Thank You, Jesus, I woke up feeling much better.

    I hate when I feel bad. It makes it hard to stay focused, to think only positive thoughts. When I feel bad it's easier for all the negative thoughts, the worries and cares of this world to take over. Things I know I shouldn't let get to me, get to me. I dwell on thing I know I shouldn't dwell on.

    Worse, it makes me want to say things I shouldn't. I have to bite my tongue. I have to stop myself from saying, replying, commenting or posting those negative and not so nice thoughts. Usually, I am a very positive person. I do pretty good at following the old adage "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." It's not that hard. When I feel good, most of the time I never even have those thoughts.

    Yet when I feel bad, and I'm being bombarded by all the problems and fears, I struggle. I have to remind myself what the Bible says about the tongue: "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life]. Proverbs 18:21. And Ephesians 4:29, "Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God's favor) to those who hear it."

    God instructs us to not say anything that does not encourage, lift up or bless others. We are not to say anything that may cause another believer to stumble and fall, or turn away from God. That we have the power with our word to spiritually cause death to others and that we will have to answer for those words. That we should be ever mindful that what we say to others will encourage and help them.

    We are to be careful of the things we say and think. If we only think about, talk about, focus on the negative things, that's all we will ever experience is the bad, troubling things in life. If we want positive and good things in our lives, we should only think, dwell, on positive and good things.

    It's not that we will never have negative things happen to us or life will be full of sunshine and roses. But if we concentrate on the positive, the good, we will begin to find it comes more naturally to us to always see the good in every situation. And the negative things will become less important and not the center of our focus.

    Lord, I thank You for the positive things in my life, for the many blessings I have: family and friends that love and care for me. Help me, please, to always focus on the positive in my life, to always find something to be thankful, grateful for. When I am bombarded by all the negatives, help me to stop, to change my thoughts and focus on the good. Help me, Lord, to only speak life and that which is good. Let me be an encouragement to others, and let the words of my mouth minister grace to all who hear. In Jesus' name, Amen.

~Delta