Yes, I Get Angry

The name of the Lord is a strong tower;

the righteous run to it and are safe.

Proverbs 18:10

    So, last week I read a blog post where someone wrote on the topic of "what your friends with cancer are afraid to say." (I will post the link at the bottom of the page.) While everything she said was good, several of the points the author made really hit home with me. I got to thinking-- what is the one thing I probably don't share with my family and friends that they might need to know?

    And I guess it would be that yes, I do get tired and angry- very angry at times.

    I try to stay positive. I try to put on a brave face when people ask me how I am doing. To smile and be full of good news. I tell them that I am fine. No one wants to hear all the time you don't feel well. People just ask out of courtesy right? Just because that's what is expected, right? They don't really want to hear about the fears and worries and wide range of other emotions I go through, do they?

    But after reading that blog, maybe they do need to know it. To know that sometimes when I seem short or harsh that it's not really meant towards them or the situation. That when I vent or snap about something that seems insignificant, it might just be a bad moment for me. It's not fair I know. I don't mean to take out my frustrations on others but as I had pointed out to me recently, it's not always ME acting, reacting, or talking. There are times that it truly is "the devil made me do it." The devil in this case is cancer, chemotherapy, fear, or anger.

    I do get mad. I get down right angry. I don't like being sick. I don't like not being able to take are of my family. It truly pisses me off (please excuse the language but mad, angry, frustrated, just don't seem strong enough to describe what I feel) that I worked so hard through school. My children sacrificed so much while I was in school. I put us in financial debt with student loans to go to school. All to have a better life for my family! And now, I can't even work.

    I hate feeling like a burden to my family: financially, physically, and mentally. My income was cut in over half. I am so thankful that the Lord nudged me to take the long term insurance. I thank Him for that because I know that what I get is better than nothing. Yet it is a strain on my family. The added expenses of my health care: co-pays, deductibles, prescriptions, ostomy supplies, and countless trips to the doctors.

    I don't like not feeling well enough to take care of myself and family. Having to ask them to do things for me because I am tired, because I am sick, or because sometimes I just don't feel up to it mentally. I don't like that I have to depend on my mom so much. I don't like that my girls, especially my oldest, has had to help out so much with my youngest child. I don't like it that my husband has to come home from working all day and help cook dinner and clean up because my energy is spent for the day or I am too sick to get out of bed.

    The worry they experience when I don't feel well or have to go to the emergency room or while waiting on test results, I hate it. The fear they go through when I get a not so good report, I hate it. My family gets to see my bad days, and I hate it. The days I'm mad at everything and everyone. They days I just don't want to do anything. The days that all I do is cry... They see it all and I know it takes a toll on them. 

    And I just get tired. I get tired of feeling fatigued. I get tired of taking treatments. I get tired of being sick. I get tired of going to the doctor. I get tired of being tired.

    It is in those moments that I struggle to hold on tom my hope, my faith, and my joy. It's then that it is all I can do to just hold on to my Savior, to my Lord. To cry out to Him. In those low places is where I feel far from Him. But I know, I KNOW, those are the times when He is closet to me. When He is cradling me, whispering to me to trust Him, to give all my cares to Him.

    He reminds me that He is my refuge (Psalm 91:2-4). That His name is a strong tower (Proverbs 18:10). All I have to do is run to Him and He will give me shelter. He restores my hope, my spirit, and my joy. 

    I have to tell myself that it's okay to feel anger. It's all right for me to be tired. But that it's not okay for me to let it consume me, to take over, to rule my life. I do have to allow myself to feel what I feel. To get those emotions out so that I can move beyond them. And I have to forgive myself when I fail. When I snap at one of my loved ones. When I don't feel well enough to attend an event. When I have to rely on my husband's help more than I want. And so many other situations that come to mind. I need to remember to thank God that I have such caring family and friends. How blessed I am!

    And I am! I have so many good things going on in my life, many blessings. I thank God for those blessings: my husband, my children, my parents, my family and my friends. Most importantly, for my faith in Him and His faithfulness to me. God is good, so good!

~Delta

http://roadkillgoldfish.com/friends-cancer-want-know/

It's Just Hair

    I haven't written a post in a while. Not because I haven't had anything to say, just a lot going on. I have had one topic in particular on my heart and mind for some time now. It's not a "difficult" subject per se  but a bit of an emotional one for me. My hair.

    Some chemo drugs make your hair fall out in clumps, by the handful. Within in a matter of days it is completely gone. Other chemo drugs thin your hair little by little, treatment by treatment. They stunt growth so your hair doesn't grow very fast, if at all. They are harsh on your hair making it appear that your hair has been damaged by too much processing. My chemo is the kind that thins and thins and thins.

    After months and months of treatments my hair had become thin, showing my scalp. Particularly on the top around the crown of my head. My hair looked like it had been bleached ten times too many. It was dry, brittle, and fuzzy looking. After much inner debate I decided it was time to cut it and set the date for June 1st. To make it a "fun" experience for myself, I created a Facebook even and invited friends and family to send me hats and scarves from all over. I promised to post pics of the head shaving and pics modeling the hats and scarves I received.

    The day came. My friend Amanda came over to the house. My husband used the clippers and cut my hair off as Amanda held my hand and my daughter videoed it for my Mom. I cried for the first few minutes then with their help started to joke and laugh about it. After my husband was finished with the clippers, Amanda went over my head a razor. I wanted a close shave.

    Amanda had told me almost from day one that if I ever had to shave my hair she would shave hers with me. I just laughed. Deep down I knew she would though. So, on Sunday, June 1st, when she said she was shaving her head too, I told her no, she didn't have to do that. I wouldn't hold her to that promise. I knew what a big step that was. She told me yes, I was shaving her head that day. I told her no I was not.

    Yea well, guess what? I ended up shaving her head that day! Towards the end of my head shaving she picked up the clippers and took a big chunk out of the front of her hair. After that I had to finish the job.

    Through out that week several others shaved their heads in my honor. Beginning with my husband and youngest son. Monday evening I left to run an errand. When I returned, they were sitting there with burred heads grinning at me. Next came my father-in-law. Shortly after him, my brother-in-law. That weekend was my husband's family reunion. There were quite a few bald heads wandering around.

    It started with my husband's cousin auctioning off to the highest bidder his head to be shaved. Then another cousin stepped up and auctioned his hair to the top bidder. My nephew decided he would be a little different and he started two bid sheets, to shave or not to shave. Which ever one had the highest bid at the end of the day would be the winner. (Every year there is a silent auction to help pay for the cost of the reunion.) He was lucky enough to have an aunt who didn't want to see him with his head shaved and he left with a head full of hair.

    My oldest step-son, on the other hand, was not so fortunate. He has been growing his hair out for several years and it was down between his shoulders. He said he would shave his if some one bid a minimal of $50. The bid came in. The same aunt bid $60 to try to save his hair but another aunt bid $61 and his hair went bye bye. I told him I was sorry and he said to me, "It's just hair. It'll grow back. No biggie." I replied to him, "No, it's not JUST hair." 

    If I had a dollar for every time I have heard those three simple words this past year, well, I'd have some money in my pocket. It's not just hair. I don't know if I can put this into words and truly convey the way I feel. I imagine that many women, and men for that matter, feel pretty much the same way I do. LoL. I have been accused in my youth of my hair being my pride and joy. I guess in many ways he was correct. My hair was a part of me. It was part of what defined me.  It wasn't just hair.

   If it is just hair, why are billions of dollars spent on it year? It it is just hair, why are their professions devoted just to hair? If it is just hair, why do men and women alike  spend hours and hours styling it?

    If it is just hair, why did God use Samson's hair as the apparent source of his power (Judges 16)? If it is just hair, why did Mary use her hair to dry Jesus' feet when she washed them (John 11:2)? If it's just hair, why has God numbered the hairs on our head (Matthew 10:30)?

    Because it is more than just hair. I know that I have not articulated very well my feelings on this subject. I think that some it is understood on a very basic universal level that doesn't necessarily need to be verbalized. Most people will understand. No matter how many times we flippantly tell ourselves and others, "It's just hair," deep down we know it's not just hair.

~Delta

I am ready!

    As this week approached I found myself thinking more and more about how time flies by too fast. My babies are growing up and I don't like it. Oh, how I wish I could just make time stop. Or at the very least slow down.  I am not ready.

    This is a week of HUGE milestones in my children's lives, leading into more milestones for the summer and fall. High school graduation, turning 5, and turning 16. Preparing to go off to college in the fall. Drivers licenses. Kindergarten. And it is all coming at me so fast. I am not ready.

    Tonight my oldest daughter is graduating from high school. It wasn't that long ago I was putting her in her infant carrier to take her home from the hospital. Walking her in to her first day of school. Going to her first band concert. Watching her drive off for the first time by herself.  Going off on her first date. Starting her first job. Her first campus visit. I am not ready.

    Tomorrow my baby turns 5. It really feels just like yesterday that we brought him home. The first time he sat up on his own. Crawled.  Walked. Talked. First day of preschool. Riding his bike. This weekend, learning to ride a skateboard. I am not ready.

    Wednesday my twins will be 16. They were so tiny and small when we brought them home. Their little heads shaved in different places for IVs. Not even 3 weeks old and had already been through so much. Watching them grow stronger. Get into trouble together. Breaking a dozen eggs on the kitchen floor. Running away from me in the Walmart parking lot. First football game. First cheerleading practice. Fighting. Finding their own identities, more than "the twins." Starting high school. First prom. I am not ready.

   I catch myself wondering what other milestones I will live to see. What milestones will I not be here for. College graduations? High school graduations? Starting middle school? High school? First dates/girlfriends/boyfriends? Drivers license? Marriages? Grandchildren? Salvation? Baptisms? I am not ready.

    I have to remind myself that God has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and that I have to trust Him (Proverbs 3:5). I can't worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:34). I need to enjoy today, to make the most of todays memories with my children and my family. Make memories not only for me, but for them to hold on to, as well. I have to live in the now. I am ready!

    Lord, I pray that You would help me to stay focused on Your promises. Help me to live each day. To enjoy each day. Help me to put my trust in You and to know that You alone know the future. To know that I can rest easy in the knowledge that tomorrow is in Your hands and that You have a plan for me. All I need to do is delight in You and You will grant the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). In Your name, Amen.

    And special thanks to a friend for the little nudge to get me going again! :)

~Delta

 



"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord,

"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

 

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,

for tomorrow will worry about itself.

Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34

 

Take delight in the Lord,

and He will give you the desires

of your heart.

Psalm 37:4



Chemo Day

    Today is chemo day. It is my least favorite day. I go to bed the night before dreading it. I wake up dreading it. I sit here waiting for lab results, dreading it. Half praying my labs will come back too low to get treatment. The other half praying my labs are fine...I know I need to be able to get treatment. But I don't want to.

   It's not so much that it makes me feel bad, although I don't enjoy that. It's the reality of it. On chemo day there is no pretending that every thing is okay. There's no forgetting, from the moment they access my port until Thursday afternoon when I take off the pump, for even a few minutes that I have been diagnosed with cancer. Even with the ostomy, I can forget for hours at a time, but not while I am wearing that pump. It's a constant reminder for these next 3 days that I am in a battle for my life.

   It also reminds other people. It lets others know that I am sick. It opens the door for other people to ask questions. Two questions that I get asked most often are "how many more treatments do you" and "what is your prognosis?" The answers to these questions are as complicated as they are simple.

    I was diagnosed with stage IV colorectal cancer. This means that the cancer has spread beyond the original site into the lymph system and to other organs. By the time the tumor was found it had penetrated the rectum and was attached to the pelvic wall. They removed and biopsied 17 lymph nodes from the surrounding area and all 17 were positive for cancer. The CT scan showed metastasis to the liver and lungs. Meaning there are lesions on those organs that they highly suspect are cancer. They have not been biopsied because they are too small and it would be more dangerous than beneficial to do so. They say that even if it were to go into remission I would have to continue taking a maintenance dose of chemo for the rest of my life. They say if I did not, the cancer would just come back due to how far it has spread. By the medical world's view, I am not curable. I am only manageable.

    So, how many more treatments do I have? Until God heals me.

    The second question is probably a little harder for people to ask. They want to ask but are afraid to or don't know how to. They worry about offending me. Eventually they get it out -- sometimes directly, sometimes around the bush. What's your prognosis? How long do you have? There's no definitive answer. Only averages and in the matter of mere minutes, my life expectancy went from 35-40 years to 2-5 years. Or maybe 10 years. The average patient with stage IV colorectal cancer lives 2-5 years but they are quick to tell your they have some patients that are 10 years out. Every cancer patient is different. Every outcome is different. What works for some nay not for others and vice versa. And just as with any other illness or trial that you face, attitude makes a difference! By the medical world's standards, I have 1-4 years left.

    How long do I have? Until God decides to take me home.

   How fortunate, how blessed am I that the world's views and standards are not God's views and standards?! Praise the Lord that I have the Great Physician as my healer. And only He knows how much time I do or do not have left. I do not accept this diagnosis or prognosis. I know I am healed. I know that when God is finished with me here on earth He will call me home -- just like He will all of you. But it will be in His timing. Both the manifestation of my healing and my death.

    Thank You, Father, for the hope I have in You. Thank You for healing me. Your word says that by the stripes Jesus bore and the blood He shed, that we are forgiven and healed. I praise You for my healing and for my life. Help me to be what You want me to be. Let my life be a testimony for You. In Jesus' name, Amen.

~Delta

Granny's Arms

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?

Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father's care.

And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

So don't be afraid;

you are worth more than many sparrows.  

Matthew 10:29-31

    This morning my mind is going in so many different directions. I had a planned post, already written out, but then I had another avenue of thought, then another, then another and then I got some disappointing news this morning. My mind went off in a complete different direction. So even as I type this I am trying to rein in my thoughts and focus on what I want to say this morning. I think for now I am going to skip the pre-written topic and go with my second one.

    I was talking on the phone last night to a lady that wants me to make a memory quilt for her out of her grandpa's old overalls. As she was telling me about her grandparents it reminded me about mine. I could relate to her and her story, her memories. She talked about how much she missed him, how she still cried, and as she talked she got choked up.

    In return, I shared about my grandparents and how much they meant to me. How they were more like second parents than grandparents. About Granny passing away on my birthday. That I still cry at the most random moments. How as I go through this battle, I find myself missing her more and more.

    No matter what was going on, what I was going through, Granny could always make me feel better. She would wrap her arms around me and squeeze me and instantly it would all be better. If I were thousands of miles away I could call her and she knew what to say to make it better. Didn't always like what she had to say but she was usually right. 

    I just know, I know, that if I could only get to her, all this would be better. It would be all right. Granny would wrap her arms around me, squeeze me tight, and make it all right. Her love and care would overwhelm me. And for a few moments, just like when I was a child, I would be okay, I would be whole. 

    But that's not how it works. I can't get to her. And while she would make me feel better, she wouldn't be able to make me whole, make this all go away. Only God can do that. God can wrap His arms around me, squeeze me tight, and make it all okay. He can heal my hurts, heal my body. He can make it all better. He's wants to. 

    He's waiting for me to run to Him like I would my Granny. He desires to wrap His arms around me spiritually and take my heartache, my pain. Wipe my tears and soothe me. Tell me He will take care of me. That He loves me and it will all be okay.

    Thank You, Father, that like a loving parent or grandparent, I can run to You, and You will comfort me, hold me. You will let me cry in Your arms and wipe my tears. Thank You, that I can cast all my cares on You because You care me. Your word says how much more You care for me. That not even a sparrow falls from the sky without You knowing, You caring. How much more must I, Your child mean to You. Even the hairs of my head are numbered. Thank You, Lord, for loving me. In Jesus' name, Amen.

~Delta

Just Stay Calm

    This morning as I was reading about the Israelites' exit from Egypt, I came across this scripture. It grabbed my attention. I re-read it several times. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm. The Lord himself will fight for me. Just stay calm. The LORD himself will FIGHT for ME! JUST STAY CALM! Wow! How huge is that? I just have to not panic, not get upset, not try to figure it on my own (Hmmm, where have I heard that before?), and not get in God's way. I just need to stay calm, pray about it, and trust God to fight for me, to work it out for me.

    Just as the enemy was coming after the Israelites, the enemy is coming after me. No, my enemy may not be Pharaoh at the head of all the forces of Egypt and his weapons may not be swords and spears. All the same, he is attacking me. He is trying to destroy me just as the Egyptians were trying to destroy the Israelites. His weapons? Worry, fear, discontent, uproar, and turmoil.

    See, satan thinks that if he can get me looking at the circumstances of my life that I'll stumble and fall. By getting me to worry about how I am going to pay the bills or how we are going to afford a new engine in the trailblazer that possibly threw a rod yesterday or... or... or any of the many other things that come up, he thinks he can get me to take my eyes off of Jesus. And that leaves me vulnerable. Makes me an even easier target. So what does the enemy do next? He goes to work on a different area. He starts trying to pick apart my relationships or my children's relationships or any other area of my life that he can, just to keep me distracted and unfocused. This is the way he works. Not just on me, but on all of us. He tries to keep us concentrating on our problems instead of on the One who an fix them.

    Just stay clam. The Lord is fighting for me. The Lord is fighting for you. We just have to keep looking up. Keep our eyes on the Lord. He will fight for us. And just as He made a path for the Israelites, He will make a way for us. We just have to stay calm and be ready to move, to act, to obey when He says, "Go." We have to stay quiet and listen for His voice, His direction, His command. We have to be ready to step out between those towering walls of sea water and cross that dry sea bed. We have to trust Him even when it seems impossible; when all our problems seem too big for even God. Trust Him. Nothing is too big for God. Not cancer. Not a car engine. Not anything of this world. God can take care of it. He is fighting for us.

    And just as He washed away the Egyptians as they tried to cross behind the Israelites, He will stop the enemy dead in his tracks. He will put the enemy on the run. He will provide for the bills. He can repair an engine. He can restore relationships. He will open doors and hearts. He will heal cancer. He can make the impossible possible. Just stay calm.

    Thank You, Lord, for fighting for me. Thank You for the encouragement this verse, Your word, Your promise, gives to me. Help me to just stay calm and quiet and at rest as You fight this battle for me. Guide me, direct my path, and help me to recognize when it is time for me to move, to take action, to follow Your commands. And to always give You the honor and glory. In Your Son's name, Amen.

~Delta

Power of the Tongue

    Last week was a rough one. I woke up early Friday after not sleeping well with a headache. I got up and did a few household chores intending to just push through it. I'd feel better in a little while. After a couple of hours I gave up and laid back down. An hour later I was still miserable so I tried a hot bath. Nothing seemed to help, not the bath, ibuprofen or laying back down, again. I tried eating something...mistake. After getting sick I went back to bed and slept for a few hours. Thank You, Jesus, I woke up feeling much better.

    I hate when I feel bad. It makes it hard to stay focused, to think only positive thoughts. When I feel bad it's easier for all the negative thoughts, the worries and cares of this world to take over. Things I know I shouldn't let get to me, get to me. I dwell on thing I know I shouldn't dwell on.

    Worse, it makes me want to say things I shouldn't. I have to bite my tongue. I have to stop myself from saying, replying, commenting or posting those negative and not so nice thoughts. Usually, I am a very positive person. I do pretty good at following the old adage "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." It's not that hard. When I feel good, most of the time I never even have those thoughts.

    Yet when I feel bad, and I'm being bombarded by all the problems and fears, I struggle. I have to remind myself what the Bible says about the tongue: "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life]. Proverbs 18:21. And Ephesians 4:29, "Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God's favor) to those who hear it."

    God instructs us to not say anything that does not encourage, lift up or bless others. We are not to say anything that may cause another believer to stumble and fall, or turn away from God. That we have the power with our word to spiritually cause death to others and that we will have to answer for those words. That we should be ever mindful that what we say to others will encourage and help them.

    We are to be careful of the things we say and think. If we only think about, talk about, focus on the negative things, that's all we will ever experience is the bad, troubling things in life. If we want positive and good things in our lives, we should only think, dwell, on positive and good things.

    It's not that we will never have negative things happen to us or life will be full of sunshine and roses. But if we concentrate on the positive, the good, we will begin to find it comes more naturally to us to always see the good in every situation. And the negative things will become less important and not the center of our focus.

    Lord, I thank You for the positive things in my life, for the many blessings I have: family and friends that love and care for me. Help me, please, to always focus on the positive in my life, to always find something to be thankful, grateful for. When I am bombarded by all the negatives, help me to stop, to change my thoughts and focus on the good. Help me, Lord, to only speak life and that which is good. Let me be an encouragement to others, and let the words of my mouth minister grace to all who hear. In Jesus' name, Amen.

~Delta

Be Still

He says, "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth."

Psalm 46:10

    I have crossed paths with this message several times in the past week. It may have been said or written in different words, but the meaning has been the same: stop trying to figure it out on your own. Just be still and let God do His thing. And whatever He has panned, will be way better than anything you can come up with on your own

    Waiting is not my strong suit. I have a hard time sitting "idly by." I want to fix it. I want to know that it is taken care of. My first inclination is to "figure it out." But that is not what God wants. God wants me to just be still, to wait on Him, to trust Him. 

    Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths." Yet so many times, like tonight, I catch myself trying to figure it out on my own. I know this is one of those lessons God is trying to teach me -- to be still, to trust Him in all things.

    It's hard to let go, to up the reigns. I have been accused of being a control freak. I will not deny it. Some areas are worse than others and one such area is finances/money. When you are down to your last $40 and still have a week to go until pay day, it's HARD to "be still," to not try to figure things out. When you get that 48 hour cutoff notice from the electric company, it's hard to say, "Okay, God, I know You got this." it's HARD to tamp down that gut instinct to come up with a solution, even when I know, I KNOW, God will keep His promise to meet my every need. He has before, over and over again.

    Not even a year ago, we were in this same situation -- maybe even worse. You see, when I was diagnosed and went on disability my income was cut in over half; yet, our expenses went up. So, after months of robbing Peter to pay Paul and juggling the bills, it all came crashing down. We were behind on every bill, including rent. We were days from eviction and all utilities being cut off. I had no other tricks up my sleeve or bright ideas.

    I finally said, "God, I can't do this anymore. I need Your help." I turned to Him and trusted HIm to provide for us. I sat on my hands and prayed. And you know what happened, He didn't let me down. He supplied all our needs and then some.

    That is not the only time since journey began that God has come through for us. I can think of several others. I am sure that this time won't be the last either. And I know that He will not forget me this time, that He is going to work it out, some how, some way. I just have to stop trying to be in the driver's seat, let Him take the wheel and trust Him to direct my path.

    I just have to be still and wait on God. He is never late. He is always on time. "But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches n the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day!" Habakkuk 2:3.

    Father, thank you for all the times You have made a way for us financially. Thank You, Jehovah Jireh, my provider, for meeting our needs. Lord, I know I can't do this on my own. I need Your help. Help me to be still and wait for You, for Your timing. I trust You, God to make a way to meet our needs. I thank YOu, praise You, for all You are doing on our behalf. I know we would't have it this far with YOu. In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

~Delta

Do Not Give Up

Let us not become weary in doing good,

for at the proper time we will reap a harvest

if we do not give up.

Galatians 6:9

 

 

    I know social media gets a lot of grief some times about all the drama it can cause; but so many times, God uses it to give me what I need, just when I need it. Take this morning for example.  This status update on the Joyce Meyer Ministries Facebook page was just what I needed...

 

"Galatians 6:9 encourages us to keep doing what's right, for in time we shall reap God's blessings. There is a right time for all things in our lives, and there is safety in being in God's perfect timing. Being frustrated will not make Him hurry. Enjoy today."

 

    Some days, I do get frustrated. Yesterday was one of those days. I met with my surgeon to discuss the results of flex sigmoidoscopy, a procedure I had to have to make sure the resection of my colon and rectum was successful before we could proceed with taking down my temporary ileostomy.

 

    The results were not what I wanted to hear. I have a fistula, a hole, between my rectum and vagina. Also, the resection site is non-patent due to stricture and scar tissue. While Dr. D. feels he could take care of the latter, he believes the fistula is non-repairable.  The fistula, most likely caused from the radiation treatment, would allow stool to pass in to the vagina. This would result in infections, inflammation and possible abscesses if we were to go through with the takedown. Not to mention the hygiene problems it would cause. Can you say, "YUCK?!"

 

    Dr. D. did give me the option of keeping my ileostomy or converting back to a colostomy. I keep trying to focus on the good, the positive: the colostomy was easier to manage, it leaked less often and had less skin irritation. Hey, I'll be able to eat salads again! But then the negatives start.

 

    I mean really, would you want to walk around all day, every day, for the rest of your life with a pouch full of stool adhered to your stomach? Constantly worried about it filling up with gas like a balloon and people being able to see it under your clothes? Fearful that it is going to start leaking and you don't have supplies with you or a change of clothes? Having to take into consideration how every article of clothing you try on or purchase is going to camouflage the bag? Or, true story here, if while leaning over a patient doing an assessment, is your ostomy going to "fart" and embarrass you? And trying to decide if a simple "excuse me" or "Oops, sorry." will suffice or is a full blown explanation needed judging by the look of horror on her face? (By the way, thank you to the my awesome co-workers who helped me laugh about it until I cried afterwards!)

 

    So, yes, it is easy to get frustrated, even angry, at times. To wonder when is God going to heal me. Why hasn't He healed me yet. Lord, would You just hurry up and do this thing already. Any day  now, Lord. I'm ready. But what glory would there be in that? If, like an indulgent parent, God gave us every thing we wanted, right when we wanted it -- what would we gain? What would we become? The spoilt child that was never grateful and never appreciated the things we do have.

 

    I know God has a plan for me, for my life. He has told He is going to see me through this. I know where my help comes from. I will continue to cast my cares upon Him whom cares for me. I will trust Him for His perfect timing, for His will. I will learn the lessons He is trying to teach me, to grow in the areas He is wanting me to mature in, and to work on the areas He shows me I need to change. I will continue to do good and when I grow weary, instead of giving up, I will turn to the source of my strength. I will wait upon the Lord and praise Him, thank Him, for my many blessings.

 

    Thank You, Father, for giving me what I need, just when I need it. Thank You that when I am at my lowest, my weakest, I can call out to You and know that You will be there to comfort, to strengthen, and see me through. Thank you for the peace of mind that while I do not know what is going to happen tomorrow or next week, You do, and you have a plan for me, a plan for my good, my future.  In Your Son's name, Amen.

 

~Delta

Love One Another

A Grandparents' Legacy

"I give you a new commandment: love one another. 

Just as I have loved you, 

you must also love one another." 

John 13:34

With Valentine's day just last week I wanted to go in a different direction...

    We had a Love One Another banquet at church. The Sunday before, Sister V. asked the ladies of the church to volunteer to each decorate a table. The decorations were to tell a story or go along with a short devotional on loving others.

    I immediately thought of my grandparents. They are always my "go to" example of love. My grandparents love for the Lord and each other overflowed onto everyone that came into their lives. While their love for Christ, for each other, and for their family was strong, I believe Granny and Pa's greatest legacy was their love for others.

    Granny and Pa were not religious people. They didn't always go to church regularly but they were Christians. They loved God and served Him in their own way, following His greatest commandment to love others as He loved us. Pa even won a bible one time for bringing the most people to camp meeting.

    Their love for one another was evident for all to see in the way they treated each other. I cannot remember ever hearing them be disrespectful, raise their voice, or say an unkind word to each other. I know there were times they disagreed but they never argued in front of me. They took care of each other and in their 55+ years of marriage I know of only two times they were ever apart for more than a day or two. And if you were lucky, when he thought no one was looking, or if he wanted to be ornery and get a reaction out of you, you might catch him stealing a kiss.

    They loved their family. They raised 8 children who gave them close to 30 grandchildren and somewhere around 60 great-grandchildren. Their home was a second home. Holiday dinners, birthday celebrations and no special reason at all, we would all gather up at their house. Their door was always open -- and not just to us.

    There were many more that called them Mom and Dad and Granny and Pa. They took in and loved those, that for whatever reason, needed them. Brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, in-laws and relatives of in-laws, friends of their children and grandchildren, and neighbors. Everyone was welcome and once you were a part of the family, you were always a part of the family. Not even divorce could sever that tie. Only you could chose to no longer be a part of their family.

    They didn't have much in the way of material possessions but they were rich in love. What they did have, they shared. Granny and Pa opened their home up to many through out the years. They fed many mouths with the food they raised and grew and canned. They'd give you the clothes off their back and all the while shower you with their love.

Here are just a handful of my favorite childhood memories of my grandparents:

• One particularly cold and icy winter, I remember my Granny putting bread sacks over her and my shoes, held in place with rubber bands. We walked, slipped and slid, the 1/2 block to my great-granny's house to check on her and take her a hot meal. 
• My Pa sitting on the front porch talking to the little boy from across the street who was lonely. He was overweight, walked with a limp, and might as well have been an only child because the age difference was so great that he was the only child left at home at 7 years years old. He didn't have very many friends and most of the time was left behind because he couldn't keep up. Pa called him Jelly Belly, not to be mean, but as an endearment and because he gave all his grandchildren nicknames. Mine was Red, one cousin was Nail-head and one great-grandchild was Pain.
• The summer they took care of my great-uncle Wylie. He was sick and staying with them. He would lay in his bed and tell me stories about his hunting dogs. They were his children.
• One time during a family dinner Granny cooked a few steaks that she cut up into smaller pieces for all the "boys" (her sons) to share. Except one. She set it aside for my dad. When Mom commented on it, Granny informed her that Daddy didn't have his mother around any more to do things for him so she was going to.
• Snuggling up next to my Pa first thing in the morning. He'd tell me stories about the "old days" while Granny cooked us breakfast. He'd answer all my questions, tell me the same story I'd asked to hear a dozen times before, and sing. He'd sing me old hymns and nonsense songs I swore he made up only to discover they really were songs.
• This one isn't from my childhood but it is one of my most precious memories. My 80 year old grandma climbed up in a semi and rode 14 hours to come see my newborn twins. She got to see them for a total of 45 minutes because they were still in the NICU. She and my aunt spent the night, my uncle picked them up the next morning on his way back through, and she made the 14 hour trip home. <3

    Thank You, Lord, for giving me such a shining example of what loving others looks like. Thank You for the grandparents that loved beyond all measure. Help me to be more like them, to love others as You love them, as You love me. In Jesus' name, Amen.

~Delta

Why Not Me

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43:2

Having trouble falling asleep tonight -- pretty normal for chemo eve. So, I thought I'd make good use of my time by doing a little writing.  I actually went back through my old Facebook posts hoping to find the one where I had already written about this; but, alas, I could not find it. I did however find the journal I had started...

When I switched shifts with my friend and mentor, Sally,  so that I could go have my CT scan, it put me working the next three days in a row, Friday,  Saturday,  and Sunday. At first it was a relief to be at work,  to be busy, to keep my mind off of it. As the days wore on it became harder and harder. Everyone was so wonderful offering their support and prayers and love. It was heartwarming and at the same time so very draining - to stay positive and smile,  to try and convince everyone, myself included, that everything was going to be okay.

My girls were so good to me. We were super busy at work.  Lots of new babies being born. And for whatever reason, I don't remember now and didn't write it down then, we had no tech that weekend to do our vital signs or to help with the many other tasks they usually helped us with. We all had full patient loads, doing all of our own vital signs, and getting new admits as soon as we discharged patients home -- all of that and every time I turned around, one of them was offering to help me out. To do my vital signs. To draw my labs for me.  To medicate that new mom for me. To bathe that precious bundle of joy. They were truly amazing.  I have said it many times. I am so thankful for my work family!  God blessed me beyond measure with that team of ladies! I miss them.

With knowledge came a heightened sense of awareness.  By the morning of the third day, I was so frustrated. I was hurting physically,  nearly unbearable pain. I was hurting emotionally.  I was fatigued. Physically and mentally fatigued. I was completely drained and I lost control right there at the east end nuses' station. I put my head down on my arms and started crying.

People used to ask me quite often if I ever asked God 'why me' or if I ever wondered my this happened to me. That morning, Sunday,  Oct. 7, 2012, as I sat there with my head down, crying into my arms, I did, for the first time and the last time, I did. I asked God, "Why me? Why do I have to go through this?"

He answered me. "Why not you? If not you, then who? One of your loved ones? Jim? Your mom? Your sister? One of your babies?" I said, "No, oh God, no!" He said, "Why not you? You are young. You are strong. You can do this. I will see you through."

And He has. God has been with me and my family. He's provided for us and kept His hand of protection on us.  I am so blessed.

~ Delta

Francesca Battistelli - Write Your Story (Official Audio)

Heard this song on the radio today. I'm sure I've heard it before but for some reason today,
I really heard it.
I'm believin'. I know You can make me new. I know
You are the author of my hope.

My life is Yours. My history is Your legacy.

Write Your story on my heart.

The News

     Monday, Oct. 1, 2012 I had my colonoscopy. Afterwards, Dr. M visited with me and my mom to tell us what he saw. He said it looked like I had an ulcer on my rectum right where it joined the colon. He said it could be either a benign ulcer or a malignant tumor but e really felt it was an ulcer and went on to discuss the treatment plan. "But." Biggest little word in the world. But he wanted to sen me for a CT scan to cover all bases. He scheduled the scan for the next day and told me I probably would not hear from him until Monday, Friday at the earliest unless something showed up on the CT scan.

    Tuesday, Oct. 2, 2012 I managed to switch shifts on such short notice with one of the girls at work and went and had my CT scan. I felt sure it would confirm the benign tumor and all would be okay. I knew it was going to be a long painful time while we treated the ulcer but I was just thankful to finally know what it was and to know it would get better. I truly did not think it was going to be anything different. I did not think it was cancer.

    Thursday, Oct. 4, 2012 Jim and I were in the backyard doing yard work. I was covered in grass cuttings. My phone was in my back pocket and I felt it vibrate. The lawnmower was a pain to start, I was almost finished with my section, and I knew I was going to have to leave in a little while to go get my little man from school. Eh, I'd check it when I was finished. I just wanted to get the yard done.

    Shortly after, the mower chocked and died on me. Jim was still going at it so I decided I would check my phone while I waited for him to get where he could stop and come help me. My heart sank. The missed call was from Dr. M's office. Calling early. I knew. I got Jim's attention and waved him over. Together we went and sat down on the swing and held hands as I listened to the voicemail. It was the nurse saying that Dr. M would like to see me in his office as soon as possible that afternoon.

    I called Mom, told her about the message, made arrangements for her to pick up T and keep him until we were finished. I called the Dr.'s office back and set up a time to see Dr. M. We both just kinda sat there stunned for a few minutes as it all sunk in. We got cleaned up, showered, dressed and headed to the Dr.'s office. Just a formality really. Just to find out what the next step was. Just to ask, "how bad is it"

    Dr. M was very kind, very gentle as he broke the news to me that I it was a malignant tumor. He apologized for having to tell me such ugly news. He said he could not tell me what stage it was in, that he would leave that to the doctor's that deal with this kinda thing. He told me he was referring my case across the street to the cancer center. He assured me that the surgeon he was referring me to, Dr. D, was one of the very best. 

    I sat and listened, holding Jim's hand, tears silently sliding down my face. All I could think about was my children. They needed me. Jim needed me. I couldn't let this beat me.  I couldn't die.Do I have any questions? What? You actually expect me to be able to think? To process anything? We left Dr. M's office to await the call from the cancer center to schedule my appointment with the Dr. D.

    I called mom, told her what Dr. M said. I called my older children's father, told him that I was going to come get the twins for dinner and talk to them. When I got home, I sat my oldest daughter down and told her. I hugged her while she cried and tried to answer her questions as best I could at that time.  

    My Mom tried to talk me in to waiting until I knew more to tell my other two. She really didn't want me to make the two hour round trip by myself after receiving such news. I felt strongly about telling them, about being the one to tell them. I knew Jim had told members of his family. I didn't want to risk them finding out from some other source... turns out I was right for following my instincts.

    I drove the hour north, picked up my twins, took them to McDonald's and broke the news to them while we ate. Again, I tried to answer their questions. I tried to assure them that it was going to be okay. That I was going to be okay. I took them back to their dad's and started the drive home.

    I don't remember much of that hour drive home. I cried most of the trip. I cried out to God. I talked to God. I talked to myself. I made up my mind that I was going to fight with all I had. By the time I got home, I felt numb, I felt drained, but I also felt in my heart, that with God's help, I was going to make it through this!

He Strengthens Me

"So do not fear, for I am with you; 

do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 

I will strengthen you and help you; 

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 40:10

I've been in and out of church my whole life. I may have not always lived for the Lord, but I have always loved the Lord. I have always believed in His power and might. I have always believed in His grace and love. 

Early in 2012 I had started back to church. I remember being amazed at how quickly it felt like I had never been out of church. God, through the Holy Spirit, wrapped me in His arms and His love. Nearly every church service He spoke to me, He moved me and in me. Looking back, I realize now He was preparing me for what was to come. He was building me up, strengthening me and restoring my faith so that I would turn to and lean on Him.

It had began with just some narrowed stools. Occasionally, I would have some mild constipation and there had even been a few episodes of blood, bright red blood, with my stool. Not enough to be alarming but enough to make me think I had hemorrhoids. All of this over a period of 4 or 5 months. Then the pain started. I had cramping in my lower abdomen, an ache in my lower back/tail bone and a sharp pain that would sometimes shoot up my back.

Then over the next couple of months, the constipation increased. The bleeding occurred more often and the bowel movements became more and more abnormal. The doctor treated me for hemorrhoids, chronic constipation and it just got worse. The pain started becoming nearly unbearable.

I was working on a postpartum floor and we were busy! We worked three 12 hour shifts a week plus had to sign up for on-call. At that time, I was also volunteering for extra shifts. I was working 4 to 5 days a week, living with pain that I would realistically rate an 8 or 9 out of 10. I was surviving on extra-strength Tylenol, Advil, and the grace of God.

Not sure how my poor family stood me. I was not very pleasant to be around at times. By the time I got home at night, I was just done. I hurt so bad. I would come in, eat, soak in a hot bath, and go to bed. (Many times Jim brought me my dinner while I was in the bath tub.) I'd get up the next morning and repeat the process.

During it all, God was with me, constantly renewing me and lifting me up through the Holy Spirit. He put people in my life that I was able to turn to. My family, even though they got frustrated with me, were supportive and did so much to make life easier for me. My co-workers, or as I like to call them, my work family, were awesome. Always offering to help even before we knew what was wrong. Family and friends praying and interceding for me, encouraging me... I am so very blessed and thankful for the people God put in my life.

~Delta~

I saw this on Joyce Meyer Ministries Facebook page today and thought I'd share it.

 https://www.facebook.com/joycemeyerministries

Welcome

Psst...I have a secret. I am really nervous starting this adventure but extremely excited, as well. This is my first attempt at having a blog so I will be learning as I go. I guess this first post should be mostly background information to catch you up to where I am.

In a nutshell, I am a child of God, a wife, a mother, a grandma, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a crafter, a nurse and a cancer patient. Right now I am a fighter! I am going to be a survivor! And I can officially add blogger to that list now. LoL!

My prayer for this blog first, and foremost, is to honor God. Secondly, it is to bless others. Third, to be an outlet for me to express some of what I am going through. Finally, I want it to be a tool to raise awareness of colorectal cancer.

As time goes on you will be introduced to my family and close friends. (Yes, y'all get ready. You know who you are, I will be talking about y'all.) My husband Jim and I have been together for nearly 9 years. Between us, we have 9 children; 5 his, 3 mine, and 1 together. We also have 9 grandbabies; 5 girls and 4 boys. I love them all and thank God for bringing each and every one of them into my life.

In October 2012, I was diagnosed with stage IV colorectal cancer. Considering there is no family history of colon cancer, this completely caught me and my family off guard. This past year has been a real roller coaster of a ride; yet, through it all, God has been with me and has seen me through the scariest time of my life. As this war rages on I am thankful for God's promises that He has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11) and that this battle is not mine, but the Lord's (2 Chronicles 20:15), to name a couple.

Since diagnosis, I have undergone radiation, 2 surgeries, blood transfusion, port placement, chemotherapy and numerous CT scans. I've battled low counts, WBC and platelets. I've had to deal with a colostomy and an ileostomy and all the fun stuff that goes with that; like a trip to the emergency room because I was a knuckle-head and ate something I knew I shouldn't and caused a blockage. I'll tell you about that some day...God saved me from another surgery!

Currently, I'm waiting for the Cancer Center to call me with my referral appointments to see a gynecology oncologist, for an ultrasound, and to have a barium enema. (Yay me!) The last CT scan showed a lesion on my uterus. It could be something or it could be nothing, hence the ultrasound and gyn/onc referral. I have to have the barium enema to make sure the last surgery was successful and that everything is reconnected properly before I can have my next surgery to takedown the ileostomy. I have peace. I know God is in control and He is with me.

Thank you all so much for stopping by and checking out my blog. I hope you will stop back by and read future posts. You can sign up to follow me via e-mail right now. Eventually, you will be able to follow me on Facebook.

As I close this post, I want to thank my friend Kerry for setting up this blog page and helping me get it started! I truly appreciate her! I pray that God will bless her and each reader and allow this blog to be used to His glory.

~ Delta