The name of the Lord is a strong tower;
the righteous run to it and are safe.
Proverbs 18:10
And I guess it would be that yes, I do get tired and angry- very angry at times.
I try to stay positive. I try to put on a brave face when people ask me how I am doing. To smile and be full of good news. I tell them that I am fine. No one wants to hear all the time you don't feel well. People just ask out of courtesy right? Just because that's what is expected, right? They don't really want to hear about the fears and worries and wide range of other emotions I go through, do they?
But after reading that blog, maybe they do need to know it. To know that sometimes when I seem short or harsh that it's not really meant towards them or the situation. That when I vent or snap about something that seems insignificant, it might just be a bad moment for me. It's not fair I know. I don't mean to take out my frustrations on others but as I had pointed out to me recently, it's not always ME acting, reacting, or talking. There are times that it truly is "the devil made me do it." The devil in this case is cancer, chemotherapy, fear, or anger.
I do get mad. I get down right angry. I don't like being sick. I don't like not being able to take are of my family. It truly pisses me off (please excuse the language but mad, angry, frustrated, just don't seem strong enough to describe what I feel) that I worked so hard through school. My children sacrificed so much while I was in school. I put us in financial debt with student loans to go to school. All to have a better life for my family! And now, I can't even work.
I hate feeling like a burden to my family: financially, physically, and mentally. My income was cut in over half. I am so thankful that the Lord nudged me to take the long term insurance. I thank Him for that because I know that what I get is better than nothing. Yet it is a strain on my family. The added expenses of my health care: co-pays, deductibles, prescriptions, ostomy supplies, and countless trips to the doctors.
I don't like not feeling well enough to take care of myself and family. Having to ask them to do things for me because I am tired, because I am sick, or because sometimes I just don't feel up to it mentally. I don't like that I have to depend on my mom so much. I don't like that my girls, especially my oldest, has had to help out so much with my youngest child. I don't like it that my husband has to come home from working all day and help cook dinner and clean up because my energy is spent for the day or I am too sick to get out of bed.
The worry they experience when I don't feel well or have to go to the emergency room or while waiting on test results, I hate it. The fear they go through when I get a not so good report, I hate it. My family gets to see my bad days, and I hate it. The days I'm mad at everything and everyone. They days I just don't want to do anything. The days that all I do is cry... They see it all and I know it takes a toll on them.
And I just get tired. I get tired of feeling fatigued. I get tired of taking treatments. I get tired of being sick. I get tired of going to the doctor. I get tired of being tired.
It is in those moments that I struggle to hold on tom my hope, my faith, and my joy. It's then that it is all I can do to just hold on to my Savior, to my Lord. To cry out to Him. In those low places is where I feel far from Him. But I know, I KNOW, those are the times when He is closet to me. When He is cradling me, whispering to me to trust Him, to give all my cares to Him.
He reminds me that He is my refuge (Psalm 91:2-4). That His name is a strong tower (Proverbs 18:10). All I have to do is run to Him and He will give me shelter. He restores my hope, my spirit, and my joy.
I have to tell myself that it's okay to feel anger. It's all right for me to be tired. But that it's not okay for me to let it consume me, to take over, to rule my life. I do have to allow myself to feel what I feel. To get those emotions out so that I can move beyond them. And I have to forgive myself when I fail. When I snap at one of my loved ones. When I don't feel well enough to attend an event. When I have to rely on my husband's help more than I want. And so many other situations that come to mind. I need to remember to thank God that I have such caring family and friends. How blessed I am!
And I am! I have so many good things going on in my life, many blessings. I thank God for those blessings: my husband, my children, my parents, my family and my friends. Most importantly, for my faith in Him and His faithfulness to me. God is good, so good!
~Delta
http://roadkillgoldfish.com/friends-cancer-want-know/
