Why Not Me

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

Isaiah 43:2

Having trouble falling asleep tonight -- pretty normal for chemo eve. So, I thought I'd make good use of my time by doing a little writing.  I actually went back through my old Facebook posts hoping to find the one where I had already written about this; but, alas, I could not find it. I did however find the journal I had started...

When I switched shifts with my friend and mentor, Sally,  so that I could go have my CT scan, it put me working the next three days in a row, Friday,  Saturday,  and Sunday. At first it was a relief to be at work,  to be busy, to keep my mind off of it. As the days wore on it became harder and harder. Everyone was so wonderful offering their support and prayers and love. It was heartwarming and at the same time so very draining - to stay positive and smile,  to try and convince everyone, myself included, that everything was going to be okay.

My girls were so good to me. We were super busy at work.  Lots of new babies being born. And for whatever reason, I don't remember now and didn't write it down then, we had no tech that weekend to do our vital signs or to help with the many other tasks they usually helped us with. We all had full patient loads, doing all of our own vital signs, and getting new admits as soon as we discharged patients home -- all of that and every time I turned around, one of them was offering to help me out. To do my vital signs. To draw my labs for me.  To medicate that new mom for me. To bathe that precious bundle of joy. They were truly amazing.  I have said it many times. I am so thankful for my work family!  God blessed me beyond measure with that team of ladies! I miss them.

With knowledge came a heightened sense of awareness.  By the morning of the third day, I was so frustrated. I was hurting physically,  nearly unbearable pain. I was hurting emotionally.  I was fatigued. Physically and mentally fatigued. I was completely drained and I lost control right there at the east end nuses' station. I put my head down on my arms and started crying.

People used to ask me quite often if I ever asked God 'why me' or if I ever wondered my this happened to me. That morning, Sunday,  Oct. 7, 2012, as I sat there with my head down, crying into my arms, I did, for the first time and the last time, I did. I asked God, "Why me? Why do I have to go through this?"

He answered me. "Why not you? If not you, then who? One of your loved ones? Jim? Your mom? Your sister? One of your babies?" I said, "No, oh God, no!" He said, "Why not you? You are young. You are strong. You can do this. I will see you through."

And He has. God has been with me and my family. He's provided for us and kept His hand of protection on us.  I am so blessed.

~ Delta