The News

     Monday, Oct. 1, 2012 I had my colonoscopy. Afterwards, Dr. M visited with me and my mom to tell us what he saw. He said it looked like I had an ulcer on my rectum right where it joined the colon. He said it could be either a benign ulcer or a malignant tumor but e really felt it was an ulcer and went on to discuss the treatment plan. "But." Biggest little word in the world. But he wanted to sen me for a CT scan to cover all bases. He scheduled the scan for the next day and told me I probably would not hear from him until Monday, Friday at the earliest unless something showed up on the CT scan.

    Tuesday, Oct. 2, 2012 I managed to switch shifts on such short notice with one of the girls at work and went and had my CT scan. I felt sure it would confirm the benign tumor and all would be okay. I knew it was going to be a long painful time while we treated the ulcer but I was just thankful to finally know what it was and to know it would get better. I truly did not think it was going to be anything different. I did not think it was cancer.

    Thursday, Oct. 4, 2012 Jim and I were in the backyard doing yard work. I was covered in grass cuttings. My phone was in my back pocket and I felt it vibrate. The lawnmower was a pain to start, I was almost finished with my section, and I knew I was going to have to leave in a little while to go get my little man from school. Eh, I'd check it when I was finished. I just wanted to get the yard done.

    Shortly after, the mower chocked and died on me. Jim was still going at it so I decided I would check my phone while I waited for him to get where he could stop and come help me. My heart sank. The missed call was from Dr. M's office. Calling early. I knew. I got Jim's attention and waved him over. Together we went and sat down on the swing and held hands as I listened to the voicemail. It was the nurse saying that Dr. M would like to see me in his office as soon as possible that afternoon.

    I called Mom, told her about the message, made arrangements for her to pick up T and keep him until we were finished. I called the Dr.'s office back and set up a time to see Dr. M. We both just kinda sat there stunned for a few minutes as it all sunk in. We got cleaned up, showered, dressed and headed to the Dr.'s office. Just a formality really. Just to find out what the next step was. Just to ask, "how bad is it"

    Dr. M was very kind, very gentle as he broke the news to me that I it was a malignant tumor. He apologized for having to tell me such ugly news. He said he could not tell me what stage it was in, that he would leave that to the doctor's that deal with this kinda thing. He told me he was referring my case across the street to the cancer center. He assured me that the surgeon he was referring me to, Dr. D, was one of the very best. 

    I sat and listened, holding Jim's hand, tears silently sliding down my face. All I could think about was my children. They needed me. Jim needed me. I couldn't let this beat me.  I couldn't die.Do I have any questions? What? You actually expect me to be able to think? To process anything? We left Dr. M's office to await the call from the cancer center to schedule my appointment with the Dr. D.

    I called mom, told her what Dr. M said. I called my older children's father, told him that I was going to come get the twins for dinner and talk to them. When I got home, I sat my oldest daughter down and told her. I hugged her while she cried and tried to answer her questions as best I could at that time.  

    My Mom tried to talk me in to waiting until I knew more to tell my other two. She really didn't want me to make the two hour round trip by myself after receiving such news. I felt strongly about telling them, about being the one to tell them. I knew Jim had told members of his family. I didn't want to risk them finding out from some other source... turns out I was right for following my instincts.

    I drove the hour north, picked up my twins, took them to McDonald's and broke the news to them while we ate. Again, I tried to answer their questions. I tried to assure them that it was going to be okay. That I was going to be okay. I took them back to their dad's and started the drive home.

    I don't remember much of that hour drive home. I cried most of the trip. I cried out to God. I talked to God. I talked to myself. I made up my mind that I was going to fight with all I had. By the time I got home, I felt numb, I felt drained, but I also felt in my heart, that with God's help, I was going to make it through this!